I dreamed I was visiting home. Home was in the woods, at the crest of a ridge. I drove around all day, enjoying the scenery. I came back in the evening to find that people I'd met throughout the day were staying in the bed and breakfast that my home had become. One guy had an enormous Great Dane. He took it outside, then came back in to brag about how its BM was a yard long.
I was trying to fix fried rice for dinner, but with all the distractions, I accidentally added uncooked rice to the mixture I had stir fried. I gave up and went to bed early. As I was getting comfy, I noticed a dozen or so black dots scurrying along the ceiling. I realized they were spiders, with bodies about the size of pencil erasers. Since they were headed to a corner, far from my bed, I decided I could just ignore them. But I pulled the sheets over my head, just in case.
Then I peeked out and saw that they had joined a few dozen more friends, over in the corner. I couldn't tell how many, because the corner was dark. I couldn't tell if it was dark because the room was dark, or if there were a LOT of spiders there. I don't really mind spiders so much, taken one at a time, but this was a bit ridiculous. A contingent broke away from the corner and started skittering across the ceiling toward my bed. some of these were as big as quarters. I pulled the covers back over me and tucked the sheets beneath me and tried to figure out what to do.
I decided that I should get up and get dressed and go get someone to help me deal with the spider infestation. But then I felt a few little plops down onto the covers above me, and I froze and had to work up the nerve to throw the covers off and run for it. When I managed to do that, I saw that the room was full of spiders of various sizes, and I took off running.
The rest of the house had a few spiders and cobwebs here and there, but nothing like my room. I began asking the guests for advice. Sonic the hedgehog said he had an idea, and we should watch this. He called to his elephant and lion sidekicks, and they jumped into their sports car. They drove to the lair of the local superheroes, and showed me how the light from the car's headlamps turned the superheroes purple. I told them that I didn't have any more interest in purple spiders than black ones, and headed back home.
When I got back, things were in chaos. There were tiny spiders, and pencil eraser sized spiders and quarter sized spiders everywhere. Some golf ball sized ones were running around, and in a few extra special corners, tarantulas were weaving webs. The worst, though, was the enormous, heavy, softball sized spider, with glistening black armor and clawed legs. It hung from a web that was a flawless circle of glistening silk, and looked much too delicate to support the gargantuan spider that had made it. The web was woven in a corner of the door frame between the kitchen and the living room.
As if that wasn't bad enough, I poked my head into my room to check out the situation in there, and now, not only were the spiders skittering over every surface, SCORPIONS had begun to plop down from the ceiling onto my bed and my desk, and down to run across the floor. There were six scorpions just on one corner of my bed. I decided enough was enough, and I went to the garage and found the shop vac.
Thank God it still worked. I attached a long tube to the hoze nozzle, and began sucking up spiders and scorpions and thick cobwebs in every room. Every so often, the cobwebs would come loose and some stray spiders along the edges would come flying down around me, but I managed to not get any on me for long. I sucked them out of the corners of the ceiling and the floors. I chased them across rooms and vacuumed them up. I managed to get an arachnid-free pair of shoes on, and that was better. I had to detach the tube to deal with the biggest, huge, armored spider, because it wouldn't fit, but the hoze was wide enough, so, though I had to get way too close, I managed to suck up the biggest threat.
There were still a lot of smaller spiders left, but the shop vac was full, so I had to do something to empty it. We all stood around, looking, wondering if the spiders and scorpions had been crushed to death inside, or if they would come leaping out at us, agitated and vengeful. I finally decided the best course of action was to douse the old shop vac in gasoline, burn the whole thing down, and go buy another shop vac. Then I woke up.
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