Monday, July 21, 2014

Just Awful ~ 7/21/2014

I dreamed that I learned on the same day that I was pregnant by the man I last slept with, and that he was now engaged to marry someone else. I was completely blindsided, because I'm not even supposed to be able to get pregnant. I went out to a forest retreat to take some time to think and decide what to do.

The retreat center was affiliated with a very reputable women's clinic, and I went in to consult the doctor. She examined me and discussed her findings and my options and what to expect calmly and comfortingly. She told me if I thought I might want an abortion, I should make an appointment now because there was a six week waiting list.

I was just completely overwhelmed, and I made the appointment because I didn't want to end up figuring out that's what I needed to do, and have it not be an option.

I called my mom to come visit me, and she helped me realize how happy I actually was, under all of the confusion, because this pregnancy was a miracle, and would probably be my only chance to have the baby I want so much. She promised my family would help me however I needed, whatever I decided. I decided I was keeping my baby.

That evening I ran into the father. He said the relationship hadn't worked out, they'd mutually broken off the engagement, and he really wanted to give it a try between the two of us. I told him about the baby, and he was happy and excited, though we agreed to sign something for now where I did not expect support from him, and he would have no custody rights if it didn't work out.

I cancelled my appointment for the abortion with a joyful heart. That night I began to bleed. I lost the baby and he left me.

A psycho ex boyfriend showed up, and when I pushed him away, he got angry and violent. I locked him out of my room, but that trapped me inside. I found a way out and ran for help, sobbing and bleeding. I had just seen my dad, and was looking around and shouting for him, but I couldn't find him. The ex turned into a red-eyed demon. He appeared in front of me and grabbed me and I screamed once more for Daddy, and then I woke up.

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